Losing my baby.

My Miscarriage Experience
At seven weeks pregnant we had an early scan. A lot of people thought it was a bad idea, including my GP, as it can bring up problems that aren't really problems due to mismeasurement. However, we thought it would take longer than normal to get pregnant as I have various hormonal problems, and it happened the first cycle of properly trying. I had a bad feeling the entire time I was pregnant and didn't have a lot of symptoms. My husband was the eternal optimist.
At the scan they said that the baby was measuring a week smaller than the sac, and that the heartbeat was slower than normal. Separately these issues wouldn't have been such a problem but together it could signal the end of the pregnancy. They panicked us, talking about 'when the heart stopped' and 'failing pregnancy'. (Some pregnancies have both these issues and things work out, so it was slightly unnecessary to be quite so adamant it was over.) Seeing the heartbeat is something that will stay with me forever though.
We had a follow up scan a week later, and unfortunately the baby hadn't grown a bit, so had died within hours of the first scan. We had seen our baby's dying moments.

Everything happened very quickly after that. We spoke to a midwife who talked us through our options, and we decided on medical management. As I hadn't naturally had a miscarriage it could have taken weeks for my body to reject the baby, and I am terrified of anaesthetic. I immediately had a blood test and was sent up to the ward to speak to the doctor about what would happen.
The next day I was admitted at 9am, had to have another blood test and then had a vaginal pessary inserted. (Luckily by this point I had already had two different people up my foof so I was getting used to it! More to come...) After the pessary I had to stay lying down for an hour. I could feel things happening, a very strange sensation.
Then I was given two tablets every three hours to bring on the contractions, and therefore give birth to my baby. The first lot of tablets did absolutely nothing. The second lot brought on sweats, cramps, fever and pain. I was given codeine, which helped. I started to pass blood and clots. Most women will pass enough blood and tissue to go home by mid to late afternoon. I thought there had been a lot of blood and clots but apparently it wasn't enough, so I had to stay in overnight.
At 6am, three hours after my last lot of tablets, I was told that as still nothing much had happened I would need to be seen by the doctor doing her rounds at 9am. It could either mean I would need to start another round of tablets, so another night in hospital, or be booked in for an operation to, for want of a better expression, empty my womb. Twenty minutes after that conversation I started to feel like I needed to have a bowel movement, it was a different kind of cramp feeling than the day before. I sat on my lovely commode, listening to the old ladies wailing in the next room, thinking about how sad it was, when suddenly, without any pushing or contractions, I had passed the entire placenta. I was in complete shock. No-one had told me that could happen, they said it would be like a heavy period! It looked like a grey plum. It had veins. I thought I could hear it beating, but that could have been my heart working overtime. I couldn't take my eyes off it. I broke down.
I saw the doctor at about half ten, she pulled out a few more clots. Not a pleasant experience (I think it may be like a prolonged cervical screening test). After that I couldn't stop crying, because it meant it was all over. Then we were sent home.

I passed something else the day after, but I didn't see what it was as I just flushed. I had the same bowel movement feeling before hand. I had bleeding quite heavily for about a week, and a few painful cramps. Then I had light bleeding, spotting and gross brown gunk for a week after that. Now I am coming up to the end of the third week and have finally completely stopped bleeding. This week has seen the introduction of hormone induced migraines which, again, codeine is helping with.


Coping With A Miscarriage
We have a lot of good people around us, which absolutely helped. We had lots of flowers and gifts sent to us, my mum cleaned our house, our friends organised for food shopping to be delivered while we were in hospital. Asking for and accepting help is without doubt the best thing we did. We decided not to hide the fact we had a miscarriage, why suffer alone? By opening up about it, we had messages from so many people who had 'secretly' had a miscarriage of their own and I feel like we really got to know the people around us better.

Physically I needed paracetamol and codeine to help with the pain and headaches. A wheat bag was invaluable to soothe the cramps. I suffered from a kind of adult nappy rash due to the constant wearing of pads for two weeks; I followed the same advice given to parents, 'nappy-free time' (on a towel to prevent staining the sheets with the blood), keeping clean & dry, and using bepanthen.

Emotionally I am heavily relying on exercise and being in the fresh air, which is completely alien to me. Tramping around the countryside with a dog and rock music in my ears is my idea of bliss at the moment.
I also found it important to concentrate on the things I could do as I wasn't pregnant any more. That sounds awful, and it was only five weeks of 'actual' pregnancy, but any positive I found I was holding on to. Things like caffeine, sushi, pate, McDonalds milkshake, runny eggs, wine, beer, all the cheese, hair dye, painting the house, intense exercise, cigarettes if you want to (although I do advise trying to stay healthy!), medicines when you need them, hot tubs when you stop bleeding, etc.
I bought a necklace which had a heart charm that read 'You are always in my heart' and a tiny footprint charm. I also bought one for my husband which I plan to turn into a keyring for him.
My husband and I talk about our loss, and when we get sad. We both feel closer to each other. I'm glad he talks about how he is feeling too.

At the moment I crazily veer between wanting a baby this second and wanting to wait until I'm healthier, the finances are better and we are in a bigger house. I don't know what will happen in the future but I am excited to find out. I know it hasn't even been three weeks since I lost him, but I *was* pregnant and I *have* been a mum, so I can be again.