35 Things : Update

So, to keep myself on track I'm going to update every few months with how I'm getting on. 

1. Get to target weight - I am very very slowly doing this; I lost 10lbs since the original post and 38lbs in total from my heaviest weight. I've got 22lbs to go. Slowly does it!

2. Buy a house - we are currently in the paying off debts phase. This is also going very slowly.

3. Finish my degree - I am currently about a quarter of the way through my final first year module, and have had good marks on my first two assignments, but it's another slow burner.

8. Learn self defence - might be in the pipeline :)

9. Watch the sunrise at the beach - today I am looking at whether we can go away for new year in order to complete this one! Seeing in the New Year by watching the sunrise sounds amazing to me. Trying to figure out the best beach for it though is baffling my brain.

20. Learn first aid - I think my lovely Sis-out-law is going to help with this as she's a paramedic <3

22. Wean myself off screens (Screen free day a week) - getting there with reduced phone time! Next step is to allocate a day to consistently leave my phone alone.

23. 35 RAOKs - tiny one to kick off, gave a lady in a clothes shop 5p as she was short. Going to research some ideas but I do think spontaneity is best.

26. Get that tattoo for my boys - I've been Pinteresting ideas. Need to find a tattooist that is happy to ink a breastfeeding mum and can source vegan ink though.

28. Visit 35 National Trust sites - we are planning to visit Wimpole Estate on the way back from Milton Keynes next month.

31. Complete the 30 Day Shred - I could do this one soonish as it's easily done at home around the boys.

35. Learn how to crochet or knit - going to focus on this next I think. Youtube is my friend!

12 Years To Save The World

When I first saw the news story about this (link to Guardian article) I was terrified. It's a horrifying and overwhelming prospect. I didn't think about anything else for about 24 hours. I've since done a bit of research, made some immediate changes myself and put some other things in place, which has calmed me down and I feel like as a community, we can do this! We have to. There's no other option. Also, personally, my carbon footprint is already fairly low (check yours here) so I am already doing "my bit". I can and will do more though, and my focus will also be on encouraging and supporting others to make changes as well.


 I already -

• Don't fly (this is mostly through fear, but I haven't flown since 2015. We had planned to start introducing short flights again next year, but I don't think we will. For the moment we will get about by boat and rail, and maybe fly once every 5 years or so)
• Eat vegan (most people know that cutting down on meat and dairy products is environmentally friendly, but completely cutting out may cut your carbon footprint by as much as 20%, and it's one of the most significant lifestyle changes you can make from an environmental point of view. Obviously this does come with its' own set of issues which I will talk about further down)
• Use cloth nappies and wipes (a disposable nappy is mostly made of plastic, and every single nappy ever used is still on this planet. Even biodegradable nappies are completely pointless, as they're generally within a nappy bag, and even if they're not, landfill doesn't allow them the conditions they need to break down.)
• Use cloth pads or a cup (period talk. Again, most sanitary towels are made from plastic. See above.)
• Use reuseable rounds instead of cotton pads (for makeup removal, nail varnish etc)
• Use reusable bottles and flasks (I need to try to remember my flask every time I go out, for impromptu coffee)
• Use food wraps and bags instead of single use products like cling film/tin foil (You could even make your own to be super eco. My mum made a food bag from that shiny tablecloth fabric. Got an old tablecloth hanging around? Hey presto. Reuse!)
• Don't wash clothes until they're ACTUALLY dirty (I wear the same outfit for about three days and then wash it. I need to work on my husband though, who chucks his shirt in the wash after one wear)
• Use a bar of soap (I'm still using up odds and ends of shampoo, shower gel and liquid soap, but we have bar soap at most of the sinks now and I do have a shampoo bar. Any recommendations for one that lathers well? I'm using too much water as it takes so long! I've recently seen these cubes which look like they could be better, but I'm open to suggestions.)
• Compost (I have a fussy toddler so unfortunately we do produce more food waste than I'd like but we have quite a large compost bin so it will eventually fertilise more food, which is pretty cool)
• Collect rainwater for the garden (there's a couple of water butts here at my parents' house, and apart from paddling pool times it means we never have to use the hose)
• Don't use the tumble dryer (I reckon I could count on one hand the amount of times I've used a tumble dryer, and I use cloth nappies for two kids! We hang washing out all year round, and if it's not completely dry when it comes in it goes in the airing cupboard, on radiators and on airers.)
• Switch to paperless bills (I barely ever get a bill or statement through the post anymore, and it means I can access things wherever I am via the amazing power of the interwebz)

This week we got a railcard, went looking for refillable/bulk buy options (local people - Alder Carr Farm have refillable oil, vinegar, eco washing up liquid, shampoo etc and you can buy loose olives, banana chips, sultanas, apple rings, frozen peas, frozen broad beans, frozen mixed veg, hash browns, pain au chocolat etc) and we also made a LOAD of snacks for the freezer as we were getting annoyed with the non-recycleable packaging on things like biscuits and bread.


*Money saving tip* -

We decided to get a Friends and Family railcard, to cut down on the amount of car journeys we make. (We are probably going to go down to one car but we haven't completely decided yet.)

We could have opted for the Two Together card as both the boys are under 5 but it would mean I wouldn't get any benefit from travelling by myself with the kids. If I travelled with the kids from Stowmarket to Ipswich for example, without a railcard it would cost me £5.30 for an adult ticket as the kids go free. But using the railcard and paying for a child ticket for one of the boys would cost me £4.50 for the same journey. Not a huge saving admittedly but it's a short journey, and it will all add up.

We went for the 3 year card for £70, which is a £20 saving. Also, by using Top Cashback we got 10% cash back, meaning it only cost us £63 for 3 years. We can also use Top Cashback to buy our train tickets; at the moment there's 3.15% cash back on all purchases via Trainline.com (and Greater Anglia website, if you're local)


We are also going to -

• Reduce car use (using trains as above, and if a journey would take me less than 30 minutes to walk, then I'm going to use my legs - cheaper weight loss than the gym as well!)
• Drive efficiently (more mindful driving can cut your carbon footprint and save you money - slow acceleration and braking, reduce speed, no more racing people at traffic lights!) 
• Use things to end of their life and buy second hand (I mostly do this anyway but I'm putting it in this section as I do like to buy new things, and I can cut down. The energy it takes to create something new is incredible, so if we were to all buy things second hand we are *at least* halving the impact of its original production. I'm currently doing a three month challenge with my cousin to not buy any new clothes...)
• Eat locally and grow your own (here's the rest of the vegan bit. I have recently become more aware of the air miles and environmental cost of some of my favourite food - avocados and almond milk for example. We are lucky in that we have a bit of land at my parents' house where we can grow a little amount of our own food, and we have also ordered a veg box. Local people, here's the deets, it's all food produced within about 30 or 40 miles of Claydon and is a Social Enterprise, so an all round good idea!)
• Write to your MP (I'm going to send an email asking what our MP and her government plan to do to bring about the changes needed, as the biggest changes will probably only come about when pushed by government initiatives)
• Make more reuseable items (I've got some old towels that I am going to cut up to use as kitchen roll and family cloth, and I'm going to look out for old sheets in the charity shops etc to cut up for handkerchiefs and produce bags)
• Make use of the library (Even though we go to the library more often than we used to, I still order new books on Amazon instead of reserving at the library, so I need to make more use of my library card)
• Use a bamboo toothbrush (I really don't like the feel of it in my mouth but I think I'm just going to have to get over it to be honest!)
• Avoid unsustainable palm oil (This is another issue where I've been aware of it in the background but never really done my research on it, and I need to!)
• Avoid unnecessary plastic packaging (We went 'conscious' food shopping today and the amount of plastic packaging on all sorts of products is ridiculous. Morrisons do paper bags for loose produce, which is a start)
• Preserve food (We make a lot of use of the freezer anyway, but I'd like to start making jams and chutneys with seasonal food to use all year round)
• Turn down the heating (Normally we are pretty good with this one, but this weather is baffling me and we can't seem to get it right! Start off the day cold, and with the heating on, but could end up in shorts by the afternoon.)
• Make own cosmetics and cleaning products (There's a few different things I'm going to look into, but hopefully by buying ingredients in bulk it will cut down on the plastic used, even if I can't completely cut it out this way)
• Use grey water in the garden (I read something about putting a bucket in the shower with you to collect the water for use in the garden, which seems so simple)
• Regrow kitchen scraps (I know we can regrow celery but there must be loads more we could grow! If anyone knows of any more, let me know)
• Use rechargeable batteries (I'm sure there's some around here somewhere...)
• Don't use wrapping paper (We could use newspaper, paper from deliveries or second hand fabric)
• Make homemade gifts (There's absolutely loads of ideas on Pinterest; it cuts down on production of things, saves you money and you could reuse things from around the house)
• Say "no" to receipts and free promotional items (Did you know that you shouldn't recycle receipts? If you don't need it in case of returning something or for a big purchase, refuse it altogether. Also, do you really need a flyer for a 90s dance rave or another pen?!)
• Swap to loose leaf tea (Another revelation - you can't really compost teabags as many contain a small amount of plastic!)

There's probably absolutely loads more things we could do but this is what we're focusing on for now! I hope it has given you some ideas and if you have any suggestions of what else I could do, please leave me a comment.

35 Before 35

Since my last post we've moved in with my parents, and we're on an 18 month journey to get back on track. However, my anxiety has hit new levels and I'm struggling the most I have in my entire life.

But anyway, something I've been focusing on over the last few weeks is my '35 Things To Do Before I'm 35' list. (There's also a 'Childhood Bucket List' simmering away but it's not ready yet.) I've got 6 years to get all these ticked off, and some of them are biggies so it's going to take some planning. Here we go!

1. Get to target weight
2. Buy a house
3. Finish my degree
4. Start my website development business and/or open The Green Bean
5. Run a half marathon
6. Do the NC500
7. Do a tour of Europe
8. Learn self defence
9. Watch the sunset at the beach
10. Grow a flower from seed and keep it alive
11. Watch a 3D iMax film
12. See in the new year in a different country
13. Go away for Christmas
14. Learn how to properly build and light a fire
15. Climb a mountain (Snowdon?)
16. See the Northern Lights
17. Visit the Giants Causeway
18. Improve sustainability of house (solar panels, grey water use etc)
19. Go to the Edinburgh Festival
20. Learn first aid
21. See red squirrels in the wild
22. Wean myself off screens (Screen free day a week)
23. 35 RAOKs
24. Re-learn French
25. Have an emergency fund
26. Get that tattoo for my boys
27. Own a dog
28. Visit 35 National Trust sites
29. Print off my important photos and put them in albums
30. Host Christmas dinner
31. Complete the 30 Day Shred
32. Go to a big Christmas market
33. Perfect the art of latte making
34. Grow most of our own vegetables
35. Learn how to crochet or knit

Where to blimming start?!

My blog is changing! A reincarnation.

Ah, it's been two years since I posted on here. Actually can't believe it's been that long. Most of you will know that I had another baby in that time; he's now 3 months old and has caused me to have an EPIPHANY! I feel like I've been heading this way since eldest was born, but I'm at the stage now where I'm screaming "something has GOT to change".

I'm all about the eco, vegan, yogini, breastfeeding, cloth nappy lifestyle, but it is not enough!

Currently I'm suffering with PTSD, anxiety and mild depression. I've just added migraines to that list today (although they're sending me for a CT scan just to double check that diagnosis). I might be being a bit hippy and naive here but I feel like, for me, (apart from the PTSD) they're all stress related, first-world problems. I want to attack this holistically, although am considering the drugs as a temporary bandaid.

I need to cut back on stuff, things and doings. Ideally we'd go live in a eco-lodge somewhere and be self-sufficient, zero-waste, slow living... (ahem, new fave youtube channel - http://lulastic.co.uk/) and although some things may be aligning where something like this could be possible in the future. Right now, it isn't.

My blog is changing! It's going to be a place where I record what steps I am taking towards this new life I want to create for myself. Honestly I feel like a born-again Christian or something. I feel motivated and like I have found my path (calling! Bahaha) I'm going to be one of 'those vegans' right now, and bear with, but it is the same as I felt when we went vegan. It was just the absolute right thing for me, and this is the same.

The main things that I've changed recently are getting back into daily yoga, and the biggie... stepping away from my phone, particularly social media. I get dragged into it, consumed by it, and waste huge amounts of time on it. I get jealous and angry and insecure, none of which are particularly peaceful feelings. Plus, it means I'm not present for my boys, which is a massive reason that I feel things need to change.

I'm getting cravings to pack everything in and go travelling in a van. I've even looked at a few on Gumtree, but I don't know how I'd cope with the kids, without my support network. Also, we'd struggle to be zero waste, and it's not exactly carbon friendly. But what an amazing upbringing that would be for my boys.  Worldschooling. Is it the way forward for us?

Deals And Freebies Round-up

I've been trying to save money recently as my maternity pay has run out. Boohoo! So I've been searching out deals and freebies and thought I'd do a little round up of my current favourites:

Free craft box for children aged between 3 and 8 (just remember to cancel after the free one arrives otherwise you'll be signed up for fortnightly boxes). Jasper is too young for this but I'm going to order a box for my eldest nephew.

Money Saving Expert deal for Sky Broadband: 12 months free broadband and half-price line rental AND £50 credit (scroll down to the £61 Sky offer).

FREE COFFEE! Now, this, I need. Download the Greggs loyalty app and get a free hot drink. Aces.

Sample of Simply Argan oil posted to your house.

£1 strawberry plants at Lidl from Thursday. So yummy!

I've also been answering surveys online on Swagbucks and I'm saving up points for Christmas presents. Join me here. 

Have you found any fabulous freebies this week?

Baby's Summer Bucket List

Well, it's the 1st of June - summer starts here, right?! It's grey, drizzly and I've got a cold; I think I've missed a few months and woken up in October.

I'm getting in the summer spirit by thinking about the things I want to do with Baby J over the coming months. A lot of these will be exciting "firsts" but while researching this, I've come across things that I've made a note of to do when he's a toddler so it's lovely to know that good things are still to come as well.

DAYS OUT

A day at the beach (Felixstowe, Southwold or Aldeburgh? Or all three!)

Visit Banham or Colchester Zoo

Go to a farm

Picnic at Flatford Mill

DAYS IN

Blow bubbles

Make lollies

Play with ice chalk

Make squishy sensory bags

FREE FUN

First time in a swing

Feed the ducks at Needham Lake

Watch the carnival

Play in the water at Holywells Park

SUNNY DAYS

Paddling pool in Nanny's garden

Strawberry picking at Alder Carr Farm (once we've trialled strawberries for allergic reactions!)

Outdoor swimming at Beccles Lido

Come on, nice weather! What are your plans for any sunny days we might be blessed with?

The Birth Story

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted. I've only gone and had a baby.

The last trimester of pregnancy was good in that I felt well, productive and happy. But things kept going a bit wrong. My baby was rather lazy and we had to be monitored nearly every week due to reduced movements. Towards the last few weeks Bub also slowed in growth so we were having scans every week.

The last growth scan we had was on a Friday morning at 39+5 weeks, where I hadn't felt the baby move in hours. I was panicked and stressed. The scans were running late and I was convinced something awful had happened. We eventually got seen (after I cried in the waiting room and Mr Newbs got a bit stampy) and things looked okay. The baby didn't move during the scan though and hadn't grown a lot since the last time. We had to wait and see a consultant, who asked if it was okay to induce me as they felt the baby needed to come out. After a giddy discussion we decided we'd rather worry about Bub on the outside than on the inside, so agreed. We were admitted to the antenatal ward and then went to lunch.

Hospital food isn't too bad at the West Suffolk although I don't remember what I had. What I *do* remember is walking down the steps to get the last few things from the car and wondering if I'd wet myself. Every step I took I kept feeling like I'd peed so I called to Mr Newbs, who was ahead of me due to my waddling, and told him I didn't know if I was weeing or not. He found this hilarious. Once back up on the ward (in new knickers, which were completely redundant it turned out) I sat on the bed and just kept "peeing". The midwives asked me to wear a maternity pad which I soaked through in minutes. They told me my waters had broken! All by themselves! Baby didn't want to be induced.

Things happened incredibly quickly from this point. I started to get contractions within the hour (maybe, time went a bit wibbly for me after this. Might get Mr Newbs to do a guest post with some Proper Facts) and they ramped up almost immediately. I remember wanting pain relief but not being able to transfer to the Labour Unit as they were full. I was surprised at how little I could move. I was basically curled up on my side in the bed and I'd started moaning through the contractions. All of this was completely involuntary and I had little control over anything. Thankfully I just went with it.

The midwives wanted me to walk over to the Labour Unit but I was adament that I couldn't, so they wheeled me round. From here on I really remember very little. I had to be weighed in case I wanted pain relief, when this happened I'm not sure. I stayed in the same position as I'd been on the antenatal ward. At some point I decided I wanted to try kneeling. Mr Newbs and the midwife had to assist this move, and I nearly immediately realised it was worse so turned back on my side. The baby had a heart rate monitor on its' head which was attached to my thigh (it had to be monitored throughout because it hadn't been moving) which also made changing positions difficult.

I used gas and air as soon as I was in the bed on the Labour Unit and it felt like I asked for an epidural almost straight away. I was given pethidine in the meantime, which completely chilled me out. I've been told since that it works differently for everyone, but for me it meant that I really went in to myself during the contractions and lost all conscious thought. I was only "with it" in between contractions, which makes telling this story really confusing! I didn't end up with an epidural and to be honest, I'm glad because I didn't need one. However the only reason (as far as I knew at the time) for this was because they couldn't get the cannula in my hand. I think they tried about six different places and at least two doctors. I had bruising for about four weeks afterwards and I still have some of the marks from this! It turns out that as well as this, my husband and the midwife were holding off on the epidural as they knew that I really hadn't wanted to have one. I didn't know what to think when I was told this a few weeks later, as it HURT and I felt like I needed it at the time.

One of the other things that I remember is that I couldn't hear what the midwife was telling me; I could only focus on Mr Newbs and I could only hear his voice. You know that bit in Come Fly With Me where they are training Tommy on the tills at Happy Burger (or whatever it's called)... Yeah, like that...!

I also remember "coming to" and realising that I knew a lady who was in the room! I freaked her out by suddenly announcing that I knew her and I named her sons. She's a friend of my mum's and I hadn't seen her in years. Turns out she's a senior midwife and she ended up being in the room when my baby arrived.

Weirdly, when I was 10cm dilated and ready to push, I was completely with it again. I knew the contractions were different and the atmosphere in the room changed. I tried pushing on my side, holding my thigh back with my hand. Nothing. I tried on my back and I think I had people pushing my legs back, or that could have been later. I'm not sure how long I was pushing but all of a sudden the baby's heart rate dropped and it needed out. We had a lot of people in the room with us at this point - I think we had several midwives, including my mum's friend, a couple of doctors and a neonatal doctor. Possibly more, who knows.

My legs were put in stirrups and I was told I HAD to get the baby out. I was exhausted and I couldn't feel anything happening when I was pushing. It was then taken out of my hands. I think I was given a local anaesthetic and I was cut (which previously had been one of my worst nightmares, but actually in that moment I was so worried I'd have done anything to get the baby out). They popped a ventouse on the head and pulled. Nothing. They then used forceps, this was the first time that I actually felt the baby moving down. It was almost a relief and yes, like a big poo! The head was delivered at 00.01 on Saturday 14th November (turns out I'd had a back to back labour, no one knew which is why the ventouse didn't work as it was put on the wrong part of the head!) followed by the rest of my baby at 00.05.

We had hoped to have the baby lifted to my chest, find out the sex ourselves, immediate skin to skin and breastfeed while I delivered the placenta naturally. What actually ended up happening was the cord was cut straight away and the baby was taken to be checked over. We didn't know the sex for at least half an hour (I think!). The doctor then started to bring the baby over to us and accidentally said "he"! I didn't care that he'd spoiled the surprise, I had a son! I didn't get the first skin to skin as I was worried about dropping him while I was being stitched up. Instead he had cuddles with his Daddy.

Oh, this makes my heart ache <3

I had ended up tearing as well as being cut so had to be checked to make sure I hadn't.. err.. been ripped end to end.. or something! Then I was stitched up and eventually given my baby to hold. We'd been toying with Isaac for a boy for months and months, and only a few weeks previously had suddenly added in Jasper as an afterthought. As soon as we saw him though, he was Jasper. He just was. He took to breastfeeding immediately and nursed for about an hour! I should've known then what I was getting myself in for! There are no immediate photos of me that I am willing to share (I look huge, sweaty, exhausted and I'd burst loads of blood vessels in my face!) but rest assured that our first family photo is ridiculous..!

Nine To Thirteen Weeks Pregnant

I started to feel a bit better in the last part of the First Trimester. Even though during week nine I started to get cold symptoms; I was bunged up and disgusting. A lot of my previous symptoms disappeared this week - was rarely nauseous, breasts calmed down, less gassy and bloated but still cramping. This was the first week for a while where I was actually able to think about food and therefore plan my meals. I finally bought a few new clothes for myself, but I am being hugely fussy (ooh, another post methinks!)

I bought this lovely maxi from George at Asda - I wanted a light, roomy maxi that I can wear throughout most of the pregnancy, but I needed one with thick straps as I can't really wear a strapless bra anymore.

We decided to book another scan for 10+3 as even though it is normal for symptoms to fade away (they have to sometime!), having had a missed miscarriage previously and knowing that I had a sac which could cause problems this time, I stopped being as relaxed about everything. 

Littl'un was kicking around and measuring 10+1 

Everything was fine at the scan, and this time we definitely relaxed a lot more. We had got further than we did the last time which felt like a little victory. It was so amazing seeing this little grainy blob kicking around on the screen.

Around this time I realised that I was losing weight - since the beginning of the pregnancy I'd lost half a stone without doing anything, except not really wanting to eat! 

Left: 10 weeks pregnant; Right: 12 weeks pregnant

Tiny review time - We ordered the Mothercare Madrid Combination Car Seat as it was on offer for £40.00. However when we went to pick it up, the ladies in the shop told us that it wasn't suitable for a newborn as it doesn't lay flat enough. They also said that it only goes rearward in 5% of all cars. We tried it anyway, and even with the front passenger seat all the way forward (so I wouldn't have been able to even get in!) it didn't fit. There was also a huge gap underneath the front of the seat when it was sitting flat. Completely useless. It's a shame because it's a lovely looking seat.

Cute, cheap but absolutely useless car seat...

Pregnancy wise I had my antenatal bloods done at 11 weeks, eventually. The nurse couldn't get anything out of me, so I had to make an appointment with a doctor who specialised in difficult veins... He was brilliant. I also started retching at really random (and sometimes embarrassing times!), this led to a few more throwing up incidents. But to be honest I know I have been really lucky with the 'morning sickness', I've just been pathetic.

We have decided that we are going to try cloth nappies instead of disposables. Although the initial outlay may be more, over time it will be cheaper (£500 cheaper for the first baby). Plus we are concerned about the fact that eight million nappies are thrown away every day in the UK. Having said that, if we don't get on with them or it becomes too difficult then we will not feel guilty about switching to disposables. Parents gotta do what they gotta do.

Our Mystery Box from Baba Me during Real Nappy Week contained a Bumgenius V4 with inserts, a Flip cover and insert. 

From 11 weeks I started to feel a lot more tired and hormonal than I had done before, husband started to have a few health issues himself and we had really bad news about a family member, so we had a difficult couple of weeks (which includes the election but I will leave that..! Haha) I also lost another couple of pounds in these weeks.

At 13 weeks we had our dating scan. Baby did not want to behave - hid behind my bladder, and after being tipped upside down on the bed and wiggled around it did eventually move up but immediately rolled over and went to sleep! So we didn't get amazing pictures and the nuchal measurement may not be as accurate, BUT everything looked perfect, as much as they can tell at this stage anyway. Baby was measuring two days ahead so my new due date would have been Chris' nan's birthday, which is lovely.

Baby is looking less like a chicken nugget now.

Four to Eight Weeks Pregnant

Be prepared for a bit of TMI from here...

During the first couple of weeks after confirming the pregnancy I was moody, tired, emotional, thirsty, hungry and gassy. All the wonderful, normal things that come with pregnancy. At this point I didn't really let myself think about being pregnant too much and I was focused on taking each day as it came. 

Ovia Pregnancy App - highly recommend.

I was sent for an early scan at exactly 5 weeks to determine if the pregnancy was ectopic as I was having cramps and stabbing pains on the left side. Thankfully, we saw a teeny, tiny sac measuring 3.5mm in the correct place and were told to come back in two weeks. Again, I was pleased but still worried. I think once you've lost a baby there's always that feeling in the back of your mind that something will go wrong - especially if you haven't had a pregnancy that has made it to full term.

Weeks five to seven were interesting. Obviously we were in yet another two week wait, which dragged like anything, but my symptoms revved up a notch in this time. To begin with I started getting nausea in the evenings and went off nearly every food, this then progressed to all day nausea (but only one actual throwing up event!). I had painful breasts and nipples. I had fatigue, mood swings, spontaneous crying, dizziness, more cramps, headaches and the day before my seven week scan I had a very dry orange discharge/spotting. During this time I was also suffering from panic attacks, which I obviously couldn't take anything for so it was very difficult - I relied on meditation and exercise. I saw my GP a lot, and I completely changed my mind about him as he was brilliant.

The Apps I used to keep me calm and healthy - I don't know what I would do without my Andrew Johnson ones.

Thankfully, everything was completely fine at the scan - baby was measuring 7+1 and we saw its heartbeat (the midwife said the baby was 'all heart' at this stage, which I loved the phrasing of). I relaxed slightly but having seen a heartbeat last time, it wasn't the instant relief that most people have. The only issue was that there was another sac of either fluid or blood, which I was told I would probably absorb or bleed. 

7 weeks pregnant - just a bit bloated!

At eight weeks I had my booking in appointment with a midwife, who told me that despite my ME, history of mental illness and a BMI of 34, I would be under midwife-led care! I was thrilled, because as long as I have a normal, healthy pregnancy I should be able to use the birthing unit at West Suffolk Hospital for my labour, which has always been what I wanted. Once I had seen the midwife I picked up my first two Bounty packs and Emma's Diary pack (oh, the freebies - I feel another post coming on!)

Top: Second Bounty Pack; Bottom: First Emma's Diary Pack.

I also started to gradually feel a little better this week, and went clothes shopping as I was getting quite big in the belly area! I didn't get a lot for me, but bought this adorable snow suit in the sale from Boots. My first actual purchase made it feel a lot more real, and this is when I started getting excited. 

Weeks Nine to Thirteen coming soon!

I'm Pregnant!

Hopefully I've scheduled this to post far enough in advance that I have already announced my pregnancy... but, if not - surprise!

So after our miscarriage in June last year, I wasn't ready to try again for quite a few months. We always knew we were going to at some point but I just wasn't there emotionally. In my November Plans post I mentioned a few practical reasons why I wasn't ready but looking back, I just couldn't have done it.

We started trying again in January, and I had quite a few symptoms but unfortunately nothing happened. I was later told by a GP that I was suffering from stress, which could prevent me from getting pregnant. I started doing guided meditation, breathing exercises and being more active as a way to combat this. We also went on holiday to Wales, which was massively relaxing, and I believe it played a huge part in the fact that we got pregnant during that cycle!

The day after we got back from Wales I had my second ever 100% positive, no-doubt-about-it ovulation test, so even though we were knackered from the journey we powered through... (the first and last time I had one like that I got pregnant so I was sure it was going to happen this time too)

Within a few days I started feeling pregnant and was having the same sort of cramps that I had had last year, and at 9 days post ovulation I got the faintest line on a pregnancy test. I've had that before and then it doesn't stick so I didn't get excited yet. I *obviously* tested every day after that with not a lot of change, but then at 12dpo I tested with a Clearblue...

Definitely pregnant!

My friends had to endure a lot of pregnancy test progression pictures for a while, which I know some of them dislike, but they put up with it and I am thankful!

We told both sets of parents around Mother's Day, by giving them a 'Grandma' card and signing it from Baby. It took Father-in-law absolutely ages to work out why we'd given that card but it was hilarious. It's so much fun telling people.

Stay tuned for my Weeks 4 to 8 recap - bet you can't wait! ;)

2015: Year Of The Newb

I am starting 2015 with a new look for my blog - what do you think? It's only taken me about forever to sort it all.

Last year was a very difficult year for us; we suffered a devastating miscarriage, three out of four of our cats had illnesses, went through so many cars that I can't even remember them all, had to cancel three holidays, our house fell into a greater state of disrepair and struggled financially to the extent we thought we would have to move in with my parents.

BUT

We got through it! We are completely out the other side; physically and emotionally I am the strongest I have been for years, I found a job with understanding and funny colleagues, we have savings (!!) and a car that has remained with us for three months so far which is a bit of a record. We have also been on quite a few breaks since I started working again (picture below is from our anniversary trip - pure bliss) and our bedroom is finally finished.

Mr Newbs and I are starting 2015 with a renewed enthusiasm for life. We have a couple of holidays and lots of fun things planned for this year. I'm not really doing resolutions but as always I have a huge to-do list (don't tell anyone but making babies features again this year *shhh*)

Losing my baby.

My Miscarriage Experience
At seven weeks pregnant we had an early scan. A lot of people thought it was a bad idea, including my GP, as it can bring up problems that aren't really problems due to mismeasurement. However, we thought it would take longer than normal to get pregnant as I have various hormonal problems, and it happened the first cycle of properly trying. I had a bad feeling the entire time I was pregnant and didn't have a lot of symptoms. My husband was the eternal optimist.
At the scan they said that the baby was measuring a week smaller than the sac, and that the heartbeat was slower than normal. Separately these issues wouldn't have been such a problem but together it could signal the end of the pregnancy. They panicked us, talking about 'when the heart stopped' and 'failing pregnancy'. (Some pregnancies have both these issues and things work out, so it was slightly unnecessary to be quite so adamant it was over.) Seeing the heartbeat is something that will stay with me forever though.
We had a follow up scan a week later, and unfortunately the baby hadn't grown a bit, so had died within hours of the first scan. We had seen our baby's dying moments.

Everything happened very quickly after that. We spoke to a midwife who talked us through our options, and we decided on medical management. As I hadn't naturally had a miscarriage it could have taken weeks for my body to reject the baby, and I am terrified of anaesthetic. I immediately had a blood test and was sent up to the ward to speak to the doctor about what would happen.
The next day I was admitted at 9am, had to have another blood test and then had a vaginal pessary inserted. (Luckily by this point I had already had two different people up my foof so I was getting used to it! More to come...) After the pessary I had to stay lying down for an hour. I could feel things happening, a very strange sensation.
Then I was given two tablets every three hours to bring on the contractions, and therefore give birth to my baby. The first lot of tablets did absolutely nothing. The second lot brought on sweats, cramps, fever and pain. I was given codeine, which helped. I started to pass blood and clots. Most women will pass enough blood and tissue to go home by mid to late afternoon. I thought there had been a lot of blood and clots but apparently it wasn't enough, so I had to stay in overnight.
At 6am, three hours after my last lot of tablets, I was told that as still nothing much had happened I would need to be seen by the doctor doing her rounds at 9am. It could either mean I would need to start another round of tablets, so another night in hospital, or be booked in for an operation to, for want of a better expression, empty my womb. Twenty minutes after that conversation I started to feel like I needed to have a bowel movement, it was a different kind of cramp feeling than the day before. I sat on my lovely commode, listening to the old ladies wailing in the next room, thinking about how sad it was, when suddenly, without any pushing or contractions, I had passed the entire placenta. I was in complete shock. No-one had told me that could happen, they said it would be like a heavy period! It looked like a grey plum. It had veins. I thought I could hear it beating, but that could have been my heart working overtime. I couldn't take my eyes off it. I broke down.
I saw the doctor at about half ten, she pulled out a few more clots. Not a pleasant experience (I think it may be like a prolonged cervical screening test). After that I couldn't stop crying, because it meant it was all over. Then we were sent home.

I passed something else the day after, but I didn't see what it was as I just flushed. I had the same bowel movement feeling before hand. I had bleeding quite heavily for about a week, and a few painful cramps. Then I had light bleeding, spotting and gross brown gunk for a week after that. Now I am coming up to the end of the third week and have finally completely stopped bleeding. This week has seen the introduction of hormone induced migraines which, again, codeine is helping with.


Coping With A Miscarriage
We have a lot of good people around us, which absolutely helped. We had lots of flowers and gifts sent to us, my mum cleaned our house, our friends organised for food shopping to be delivered while we were in hospital. Asking for and accepting help is without doubt the best thing we did. We decided not to hide the fact we had a miscarriage, why suffer alone? By opening up about it, we had messages from so many people who had 'secretly' had a miscarriage of their own and I feel like we really got to know the people around us better.

Physically I needed paracetamol and codeine to help with the pain and headaches. A wheat bag was invaluable to soothe the cramps. I suffered from a kind of adult nappy rash due to the constant wearing of pads for two weeks; I followed the same advice given to parents, 'nappy-free time' (on a towel to prevent staining the sheets with the blood), keeping clean & dry, and using bepanthen.

Emotionally I am heavily relying on exercise and being in the fresh air, which is completely alien to me. Tramping around the countryside with a dog and rock music in my ears is my idea of bliss at the moment.
I also found it important to concentrate on the things I could do as I wasn't pregnant any more. That sounds awful, and it was only five weeks of 'actual' pregnancy, but any positive I found I was holding on to. Things like caffeine, sushi, pate, McDonalds milkshake, runny eggs, wine, beer, all the cheese, hair dye, painting the house, intense exercise, cigarettes if you want to (although I do advise trying to stay healthy!), medicines when you need them, hot tubs when you stop bleeding, etc.
I bought a necklace which had a heart charm that read 'You are always in my heart' and a tiny footprint charm. I also bought one for my husband which I plan to turn into a keyring for him.
My husband and I talk about our loss, and when we get sad. We both feel closer to each other. I'm glad he talks about how he is feeling too.

At the moment I crazily veer between wanting a baby this second and wanting to wait until I'm healthier, the finances are better and we are in a bigger house. I don't know what will happen in the future but I am excited to find out. I know it hasn't even been three weeks since I lost him, but I *was* pregnant and I *have* been a mum, so I can be again.