The Birth Story

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted. I've only gone and had a baby.

The last trimester of pregnancy was good in that I felt well, productive and happy. But things kept going a bit wrong. My baby was rather lazy and we had to be monitored nearly every week due to reduced movements. Towards the last few weeks Bub also slowed in growth so we were having scans every week.

The last growth scan we had was on a Friday morning at 39+5 weeks, where I hadn't felt the baby move in hours. I was panicked and stressed. The scans were running late and I was convinced something awful had happened. We eventually got seen (after I cried in the waiting room and Mr Newbs got a bit stampy) and things looked okay. The baby didn't move during the scan though and hadn't grown a lot since the last time. We had to wait and see a consultant, who asked if it was okay to induce me as they felt the baby needed to come out. After a giddy discussion we decided we'd rather worry about Bub on the outside than on the inside, so agreed. We were admitted to the antenatal ward and then went to lunch.

Hospital food isn't too bad at the West Suffolk although I don't remember what I had. What I *do* remember is walking down the steps to get the last few things from the car and wondering if I'd wet myself. Every step I took I kept feeling like I'd peed so I called to Mr Newbs, who was ahead of me due to my waddling, and told him I didn't know if I was weeing or not. He found this hilarious. Once back up on the ward (in new knickers, which were completely redundant it turned out) I sat on the bed and just kept "peeing". The midwives asked me to wear a maternity pad which I soaked through in minutes. They told me my waters had broken! All by themselves! Baby didn't want to be induced.

Things happened incredibly quickly from this point. I started to get contractions within the hour (maybe, time went a bit wibbly for me after this. Might get Mr Newbs to do a guest post with some Proper Facts) and they ramped up almost immediately. I remember wanting pain relief but not being able to transfer to the Labour Unit as they were full. I was surprised at how little I could move. I was basically curled up on my side in the bed and I'd started moaning through the contractions. All of this was completely involuntary and I had little control over anything. Thankfully I just went with it.

The midwives wanted me to walk over to the Labour Unit but I was adament that I couldn't, so they wheeled me round. From here on I really remember very little. I had to be weighed in case I wanted pain relief, when this happened I'm not sure. I stayed in the same position as I'd been on the antenatal ward. At some point I decided I wanted to try kneeling. Mr Newbs and the midwife had to assist this move, and I nearly immediately realised it was worse so turned back on my side. The baby had a heart rate monitor on its' head which was attached to my thigh (it had to be monitored throughout because it hadn't been moving) which also made changing positions difficult.

I used gas and air as soon as I was in the bed on the Labour Unit and it felt like I asked for an epidural almost straight away. I was given pethidine in the meantime, which completely chilled me out. I've been told since that it works differently for everyone, but for me it meant that I really went in to myself during the contractions and lost all conscious thought. I was only "with it" in between contractions, which makes telling this story really confusing! I didn't end up with an epidural and to be honest, I'm glad because I didn't need one. However the only reason (as far as I knew at the time) for this was because they couldn't get the cannula in my hand. I think they tried about six different places and at least two doctors. I had bruising for about four weeks afterwards and I still have some of the marks from this! It turns out that as well as this, my husband and the midwife were holding off on the epidural as they knew that I really hadn't wanted to have one. I didn't know what to think when I was told this a few weeks later, as it HURT and I felt like I needed it at the time.

One of the other things that I remember is that I couldn't hear what the midwife was telling me; I could only focus on Mr Newbs and I could only hear his voice. You know that bit in Come Fly With Me where they are training Tommy on the tills at Happy Burger (or whatever it's called)... Yeah, like that...!

I also remember "coming to" and realising that I knew a lady who was in the room! I freaked her out by suddenly announcing that I knew her and I named her sons. She's a friend of my mum's and I hadn't seen her in years. Turns out she's a senior midwife and she ended up being in the room when my baby arrived.

Weirdly, when I was 10cm dilated and ready to push, I was completely with it again. I knew the contractions were different and the atmosphere in the room changed. I tried pushing on my side, holding my thigh back with my hand. Nothing. I tried on my back and I think I had people pushing my legs back, or that could have been later. I'm not sure how long I was pushing but all of a sudden the baby's heart rate dropped and it needed out. We had a lot of people in the room with us at this point - I think we had several midwives, including my mum's friend, a couple of doctors and a neonatal doctor. Possibly more, who knows.

My legs were put in stirrups and I was told I HAD to get the baby out. I was exhausted and I couldn't feel anything happening when I was pushing. It was then taken out of my hands. I think I was given a local anaesthetic and I was cut (which previously had been one of my worst nightmares, but actually in that moment I was so worried I'd have done anything to get the baby out). They popped a ventouse on the head and pulled. Nothing. They then used forceps, this was the first time that I actually felt the baby moving down. It was almost a relief and yes, like a big poo! The head was delivered at 00.01 on Saturday 14th November (turns out I'd had a back to back labour, no one knew which is why the ventouse didn't work as it was put on the wrong part of the head!) followed by the rest of my baby at 00.05.

We had hoped to have the baby lifted to my chest, find out the sex ourselves, immediate skin to skin and breastfeed while I delivered the placenta naturally. What actually ended up happening was the cord was cut straight away and the baby was taken to be checked over. We didn't know the sex for at least half an hour (I think!). The doctor then started to bring the baby over to us and accidentally said "he"! I didn't care that he'd spoiled the surprise, I had a son! I didn't get the first skin to skin as I was worried about dropping him while I was being stitched up. Instead he had cuddles with his Daddy.

Oh, this makes my heart ache <3

I had ended up tearing as well as being cut so had to be checked to make sure I hadn't.. err.. been ripped end to end.. or something! Then I was stitched up and eventually given my baby to hold. We'd been toying with Isaac for a boy for months and months, and only a few weeks previously had suddenly added in Jasper as an afterthought. As soon as we saw him though, he was Jasper. He just was. He took to breastfeeding immediately and nursed for about an hour! I should've known then what I was getting myself in for! There are no immediate photos of me that I am willing to share (I look huge, sweaty, exhausted and I'd burst loads of blood vessels in my face!) but rest assured that our first family photo is ridiculous..!

Fourteen to Seventeen Weeks Pregnant

Things have been a bit quiet pregnancy-wise these last few weeks.

One of our friend's sisters was selling a brand new Mothercare Xpedior as she had two, so we looked at reviews and videos online and decided to just go for it even though I was only 14 weeks pregnant. At the moment I am so glad that we did; I am completely in love with it. We had a little test run in my mum's garden but I guess only time will tell if we made the right decision.

Mothercare Xpedior 4 Wheel Travel System with a Mia Tui Amelie bag in Aubergine (I can't decide whether I love the pram or the bag more...)

We got our Downs Syndrome test results which showed a less than 1 in 10,000 risk - we were pleased, obviously, but we would have carried on with whatever happened.

Also during week 14, Mr Newbs went away for work and I found it a lot more difficult than I usually do. I am putting that down to hormones - I really struggled to stop crying! I had a lot of headaches this week, which apparently is also hormones. The damn things.

I can't be 100% sure but I think I felt movement at 15 weeks - it felt like bubbles popping but it was higher than I thought it would be. I then didn't feel anything for a couple of weeks so I'm even less convinced now.

Our lovely friend sent us a huge bundle of baby things as she is moving and having a clear out. There's so much stuff that it has doubled what we already had! Hopefully I remember to add a picture before this post goes live...

At 16 weeks pregnant we went on holiday to Majorca. We were only planning on a few days away but in the end decided on the whole week as it will probably be a while until we do a holiday like that again!

Such a beautiful view. The car park from our window back home is just not the same...

While we were away, I suffered a few new symptoms such as swollen ankles, possible carpal tunnel in my right hand, and then pain and orange discharge on the way home. Had to speak to a midwife on Sunday just to double check that everything sounded okay and could wait until Wednesday to be seen - she said it all "sounded perfect", which I thought was pretty weird as it doesn't *feel* perfect! Haha. Pregnancy. Such fun.

I came down with sinusitis this week, and have spent four days in bed. So boring. I could only take paracetamol (which I was very careful with and didn't take too often) and steam. No decongestants, no anti-inflammatories, errr.. I can't even remember what else people take for a virus, but basically, I can't take it!

We went to a midwife appointment on the Wednesday (so, I wasn't constantly in bed, but you get the picture) where we heard the heartbeat. It was amazing and I cried. I've been crying a lot this week though...

Left: 15 weeks pregnant; Right: 17 weeks pregnant

Summer Maternity Wardrobe

So it turns out that I'm stingy and fussy when it comes to shopping for maternity clothes.

I had a bit of a mish when it came to first/fourth trimester clothes shopping. As unimpressed as I am with the 'plus size' maternity options out there, it's already been a whole lot easier to come up with a wish list for summer. (I say 'plus size' because I'm only looking at sizes UK18/20, which isn't too far from 'normal' sizes really, but once you go UK20/22 and over it seems basically impossible to find maternity clothes which is just damn strange)

My requirements for my maternity clothes are that they aren't expensive, they make me look pregnant rather than fat and are comfortable to wear. Besides that, I would like to buy things that are suitable for sunny days but can be warmed up a bit with leggings etc once the weather turns, so hopefully I can wear them during my second and third trimesters.

I could have picked pretty much any of the dresses in New Look at the moment -there's loads for £14.99 and most have the waist and neck shape that I *need*! This striped one will look brilliant with leggings and boots during my third trimester, and I just couldn't resist the bright colours on the butterfly dress. My only gripe with New Look Maternity is that it stops after size 18, which when you consider that their Inspire range is just perfect and goes up to a 28 (and 32 in some things) is disappointing.

Sometimes you just can't beat George at Asda for essentials, and that is definitely what I would consider these to be. Flattering, light linen trousers are a must for me every summer so I was always going to be buying a maternity version and at £14.00 it might just be these ones. Skinny jeans are another staple for me, as they can be worn on cooler summer days with a vest and flip flops, or warmed up with knitwear and boots during the autumn. My only concern is that under bump trousers may fall down, but I don't want to overheat by having too many layers if I go over bump, so for £16.00 I could just see what happens!

Tops are an area I have been hugely struggling with. Although I like the Polka Dot top from Asda (Left, £14.00), I'm not a fan of maternity tops that don't have definition between boobs and bump as I think it could make me just look fat. I will have to try it on once I get bigger and see how I feel. On the other hand, I am just going to outright buy the sleeveless blouse on the right! It costs £12.99 from H&M; it looks light and airy, can adjust the amount of cleavage on show and it has the all important under bust definition. Perfect in my eyes.

As it has been hard for me to find the right kind of tops, I am going to fall back on the old staple of wearing long maternity vests under some of my normal clothes to get more variety in my wardrobe. These ones are £9.99 from New Look for a pack of three. I'll add a belt under bust to provide that all important definition. There's loads around at the moment but I like the £3.99 one from H&M, cos, well, £3.99!

By the time this post goes live I may well have bought a different bra, but I'm currently looking for a nursing bra without wires - not a big ask but when you need a 40 back it gets tricky. This one from Asda is only £8.00 and has great reviews on their website (edit - has since gone out of stock, so if anyone has any recommendations for me that would be great!). 

I will also need a maternity swimming costume as I enjoy going, but again, it's the old 'Want To Look Pregnant, Not Fat' thing in my current cozzie. I love that while this one is patterned, it's monochrome so very me. It's only £14.00 from Asda, which I also love!

In total, if I were to buy all these clothes, it would cost me £124.45. This isn't too bad, but it is more than I want to spend. I'll be getting vests, bras and swimming costumes from the shops, but will be keeping my eye on local Facebook groups, eBay and car boots for the rest (well, except that H&M top as I have rather fallen in love, maybe the bright New Look dress too...). Now that I know the style and colours that I am looking for it shouldn't be too difficult. I hope!

Nine To Thirteen Weeks Pregnant

I started to feel a bit better in the last part of the First Trimester. Even though during week nine I started to get cold symptoms; I was bunged up and disgusting. A lot of my previous symptoms disappeared this week - was rarely nauseous, breasts calmed down, less gassy and bloated but still cramping. This was the first week for a while where I was actually able to think about food and therefore plan my meals. I finally bought a few new clothes for myself, but I am being hugely fussy (ooh, another post methinks!)

I bought this lovely maxi from George at Asda - I wanted a light, roomy maxi that I can wear throughout most of the pregnancy, but I needed one with thick straps as I can't really wear a strapless bra anymore.

We decided to book another scan for 10+3 as even though it is normal for symptoms to fade away (they have to sometime!), having had a missed miscarriage previously and knowing that I had a sac which could cause problems this time, I stopped being as relaxed about everything. 

Littl'un was kicking around and measuring 10+1 

Everything was fine at the scan, and this time we definitely relaxed a lot more. We had got further than we did the last time which felt like a little victory. It was so amazing seeing this little grainy blob kicking around on the screen.

Around this time I realised that I was losing weight - since the beginning of the pregnancy I'd lost half a stone without doing anything, except not really wanting to eat! 

Left: 10 weeks pregnant; Right: 12 weeks pregnant

Tiny review time - We ordered the Mothercare Madrid Combination Car Seat as it was on offer for £40.00. However when we went to pick it up, the ladies in the shop told us that it wasn't suitable for a newborn as it doesn't lay flat enough. They also said that it only goes rearward in 5% of all cars. We tried it anyway, and even with the front passenger seat all the way forward (so I wouldn't have been able to even get in!) it didn't fit. There was also a huge gap underneath the front of the seat when it was sitting flat. Completely useless. It's a shame because it's a lovely looking seat.

Cute, cheap but absolutely useless car seat...

Pregnancy wise I had my antenatal bloods done at 11 weeks, eventually. The nurse couldn't get anything out of me, so I had to make an appointment with a doctor who specialised in difficult veins... He was brilliant. I also started retching at really random (and sometimes embarrassing times!), this led to a few more throwing up incidents. But to be honest I know I have been really lucky with the 'morning sickness', I've just been pathetic.

We have decided that we are going to try cloth nappies instead of disposables. Although the initial outlay may be more, over time it will be cheaper (£500 cheaper for the first baby). Plus we are concerned about the fact that eight million nappies are thrown away every day in the UK. Having said that, if we don't get on with them or it becomes too difficult then we will not feel guilty about switching to disposables. Parents gotta do what they gotta do.

Our Mystery Box from Baba Me during Real Nappy Week contained a Bumgenius V4 with inserts, a Flip cover and insert. 

From 11 weeks I started to feel a lot more tired and hormonal than I had done before, husband started to have a few health issues himself and we had really bad news about a family member, so we had a difficult couple of weeks (which includes the election but I will leave that..! Haha) I also lost another couple of pounds in these weeks.

At 13 weeks we had our dating scan. Baby did not want to behave - hid behind my bladder, and after being tipped upside down on the bed and wiggled around it did eventually move up but immediately rolled over and went to sleep! So we didn't get amazing pictures and the nuchal measurement may not be as accurate, BUT everything looked perfect, as much as they can tell at this stage anyway. Baby was measuring two days ahead so my new due date would have been Chris' nan's birthday, which is lovely.

Baby is looking less like a chicken nugget now.

Four to Eight Weeks Pregnant

Be prepared for a bit of TMI from here...

During the first couple of weeks after confirming the pregnancy I was moody, tired, emotional, thirsty, hungry and gassy. All the wonderful, normal things that come with pregnancy. At this point I didn't really let myself think about being pregnant too much and I was focused on taking each day as it came. 

Ovia Pregnancy App - highly recommend.

I was sent for an early scan at exactly 5 weeks to determine if the pregnancy was ectopic as I was having cramps and stabbing pains on the left side. Thankfully, we saw a teeny, tiny sac measuring 3.5mm in the correct place and were told to come back in two weeks. Again, I was pleased but still worried. I think once you've lost a baby there's always that feeling in the back of your mind that something will go wrong - especially if you haven't had a pregnancy that has made it to full term.

Weeks five to seven were interesting. Obviously we were in yet another two week wait, which dragged like anything, but my symptoms revved up a notch in this time. To begin with I started getting nausea in the evenings and went off nearly every food, this then progressed to all day nausea (but only one actual throwing up event!). I had painful breasts and nipples. I had fatigue, mood swings, spontaneous crying, dizziness, more cramps, headaches and the day before my seven week scan I had a very dry orange discharge/spotting. During this time I was also suffering from panic attacks, which I obviously couldn't take anything for so it was very difficult - I relied on meditation and exercise. I saw my GP a lot, and I completely changed my mind about him as he was brilliant.

The Apps I used to keep me calm and healthy - I don't know what I would do without my Andrew Johnson ones.

Thankfully, everything was completely fine at the scan - baby was measuring 7+1 and we saw its heartbeat (the midwife said the baby was 'all heart' at this stage, which I loved the phrasing of). I relaxed slightly but having seen a heartbeat last time, it wasn't the instant relief that most people have. The only issue was that there was another sac of either fluid or blood, which I was told I would probably absorb or bleed. 

7 weeks pregnant - just a bit bloated!

At eight weeks I had my booking in appointment with a midwife, who told me that despite my ME, history of mental illness and a BMI of 34, I would be under midwife-led care! I was thrilled, because as long as I have a normal, healthy pregnancy I should be able to use the birthing unit at West Suffolk Hospital for my labour, which has always been what I wanted. Once I had seen the midwife I picked up my first two Bounty packs and Emma's Diary pack (oh, the freebies - I feel another post coming on!)

Top: Second Bounty Pack; Bottom: First Emma's Diary Pack.

I also started to gradually feel a little better this week, and went clothes shopping as I was getting quite big in the belly area! I didn't get a lot for me, but bought this adorable snow suit in the sale from Boots. My first actual purchase made it feel a lot more real, and this is when I started getting excited. 

Weeks Nine to Thirteen coming soon!

I'm Pregnant!

Hopefully I've scheduled this to post far enough in advance that I have already announced my pregnancy... but, if not - surprise!

So after our miscarriage in June last year, I wasn't ready to try again for quite a few months. We always knew we were going to at some point but I just wasn't there emotionally. In my November Plans post I mentioned a few practical reasons why I wasn't ready but looking back, I just couldn't have done it.

We started trying again in January, and I had quite a few symptoms but unfortunately nothing happened. I was later told by a GP that I was suffering from stress, which could prevent me from getting pregnant. I started doing guided meditation, breathing exercises and being more active as a way to combat this. We also went on holiday to Wales, which was massively relaxing, and I believe it played a huge part in the fact that we got pregnant during that cycle!

The day after we got back from Wales I had my second ever 100% positive, no-doubt-about-it ovulation test, so even though we were knackered from the journey we powered through... (the first and last time I had one like that I got pregnant so I was sure it was going to happen this time too)

Within a few days I started feeling pregnant and was having the same sort of cramps that I had had last year, and at 9 days post ovulation I got the faintest line on a pregnancy test. I've had that before and then it doesn't stick so I didn't get excited yet. I *obviously* tested every day after that with not a lot of change, but then at 12dpo I tested with a Clearblue...

Definitely pregnant!

My friends had to endure a lot of pregnancy test progression pictures for a while, which I know some of them dislike, but they put up with it and I am thankful!

We told both sets of parents around Mother's Day, by giving them a 'Grandma' card and signing it from Baby. It took Father-in-law absolutely ages to work out why we'd given that card but it was hilarious. It's so much fun telling people.

Stay tuned for my Weeks 4 to 8 recap - bet you can't wait! ;)

2015: Year Of The Newb

I am starting 2015 with a new look for my blog - what do you think? It's only taken me about forever to sort it all.

Last year was a very difficult year for us; we suffered a devastating miscarriage, three out of four of our cats had illnesses, went through so many cars that I can't even remember them all, had to cancel three holidays, our house fell into a greater state of disrepair and struggled financially to the extent we thought we would have to move in with my parents.

BUT

We got through it! We are completely out the other side; physically and emotionally I am the strongest I have been for years, I found a job with understanding and funny colleagues, we have savings (!!) and a car that has remained with us for three months so far which is a bit of a record. We have also been on quite a few breaks since I started working again (picture below is from our anniversary trip - pure bliss) and our bedroom is finally finished.

Mr Newbs and I are starting 2015 with a renewed enthusiasm for life. We have a couple of holidays and lots of fun things planned for this year. I'm not really doing resolutions but as always I have a huge to-do list (don't tell anyone but making babies features again this year *shhh*)

November Plans

Looking back at my last post, I can really see how far I've come. It's taken me a long time, but I am finally starting to feel okay about the miscarriage. Although I now want nothing more than to be pregnant again. Everything I am doing is to enable that to come true.

I have got a job, which I am loving. Even though we have spent the first three weekly paycheques on enjoying ourselves and booking a mini break (which to be honest, we absolutely needed after the last few months of hellishness), I plan to save every last penny from now on. Money is our biggest obstacle at the moment.

Our second biggest hurdle is my weight and health. I am only about half a stone lighter than I was before I got pregnant, but ideally I would like to be a size smaller before falling pregnant again. It was hinted to me by various health professionals that I saw after the miscarriage, that my weight could have been a contributing factor.

The house needs to be fixed and finished before we have a baby, as we either need to sell it, rent it or put a baby in it. As it is we can do none of those things. We sorted out our bedroom, but it does need a couple more alterations to be completely finished. The rest of the house needs quite a lot of work.

I also need to make sure I complete my OU module, as this is my last chance before getting a huge black mark against my name and never being allowed to study with them again!

My plans for November are to save £360, lose 7 pounds, stay on track with my course and finish the bedroom & living areas. Not sure if this is doable to be honest...!

Losing my baby.

My Miscarriage Experience
At seven weeks pregnant we had an early scan. A lot of people thought it was a bad idea, including my GP, as it can bring up problems that aren't really problems due to mismeasurement. However, we thought it would take longer than normal to get pregnant as I have various hormonal problems, and it happened the first cycle of properly trying. I had a bad feeling the entire time I was pregnant and didn't have a lot of symptoms. My husband was the eternal optimist.
At the scan they said that the baby was measuring a week smaller than the sac, and that the heartbeat was slower than normal. Separately these issues wouldn't have been such a problem but together it could signal the end of the pregnancy. They panicked us, talking about 'when the heart stopped' and 'failing pregnancy'. (Some pregnancies have both these issues and things work out, so it was slightly unnecessary to be quite so adamant it was over.) Seeing the heartbeat is something that will stay with me forever though.
We had a follow up scan a week later, and unfortunately the baby hadn't grown a bit, so had died within hours of the first scan. We had seen our baby's dying moments.

Everything happened very quickly after that. We spoke to a midwife who talked us through our options, and we decided on medical management. As I hadn't naturally had a miscarriage it could have taken weeks for my body to reject the baby, and I am terrified of anaesthetic. I immediately had a blood test and was sent up to the ward to speak to the doctor about what would happen.
The next day I was admitted at 9am, had to have another blood test and then had a vaginal pessary inserted. (Luckily by this point I had already had two different people up my foof so I was getting used to it! More to come...) After the pessary I had to stay lying down for an hour. I could feel things happening, a very strange sensation.
Then I was given two tablets every three hours to bring on the contractions, and therefore give birth to my baby. The first lot of tablets did absolutely nothing. The second lot brought on sweats, cramps, fever and pain. I was given codeine, which helped. I started to pass blood and clots. Most women will pass enough blood and tissue to go home by mid to late afternoon. I thought there had been a lot of blood and clots but apparently it wasn't enough, so I had to stay in overnight.
At 6am, three hours after my last lot of tablets, I was told that as still nothing much had happened I would need to be seen by the doctor doing her rounds at 9am. It could either mean I would need to start another round of tablets, so another night in hospital, or be booked in for an operation to, for want of a better expression, empty my womb. Twenty minutes after that conversation I started to feel like I needed to have a bowel movement, it was a different kind of cramp feeling than the day before. I sat on my lovely commode, listening to the old ladies wailing in the next room, thinking about how sad it was, when suddenly, without any pushing or contractions, I had passed the entire placenta. I was in complete shock. No-one had told me that could happen, they said it would be like a heavy period! It looked like a grey plum. It had veins. I thought I could hear it beating, but that could have been my heart working overtime. I couldn't take my eyes off it. I broke down.
I saw the doctor at about half ten, she pulled out a few more clots. Not a pleasant experience (I think it may be like a prolonged cervical screening test). After that I couldn't stop crying, because it meant it was all over. Then we were sent home.

I passed something else the day after, but I didn't see what it was as I just flushed. I had the same bowel movement feeling before hand. I had bleeding quite heavily for about a week, and a few painful cramps. Then I had light bleeding, spotting and gross brown gunk for a week after that. Now I am coming up to the end of the third week and have finally completely stopped bleeding. This week has seen the introduction of hormone induced migraines which, again, codeine is helping with.


Coping With A Miscarriage
We have a lot of good people around us, which absolutely helped. We had lots of flowers and gifts sent to us, my mum cleaned our house, our friends organised for food shopping to be delivered while we were in hospital. Asking for and accepting help is without doubt the best thing we did. We decided not to hide the fact we had a miscarriage, why suffer alone? By opening up about it, we had messages from so many people who had 'secretly' had a miscarriage of their own and I feel like we really got to know the people around us better.

Physically I needed paracetamol and codeine to help with the pain and headaches. A wheat bag was invaluable to soothe the cramps. I suffered from a kind of adult nappy rash due to the constant wearing of pads for two weeks; I followed the same advice given to parents, 'nappy-free time' (on a towel to prevent staining the sheets with the blood), keeping clean & dry, and using bepanthen.

Emotionally I am heavily relying on exercise and being in the fresh air, which is completely alien to me. Tramping around the countryside with a dog and rock music in my ears is my idea of bliss at the moment.
I also found it important to concentrate on the things I could do as I wasn't pregnant any more. That sounds awful, and it was only five weeks of 'actual' pregnancy, but any positive I found I was holding on to. Things like caffeine, sushi, pate, McDonalds milkshake, runny eggs, wine, beer, all the cheese, hair dye, painting the house, intense exercise, cigarettes if you want to (although I do advise trying to stay healthy!), medicines when you need them, hot tubs when you stop bleeding, etc.
I bought a necklace which had a heart charm that read 'You are always in my heart' and a tiny footprint charm. I also bought one for my husband which I plan to turn into a keyring for him.
My husband and I talk about our loss, and when we get sad. We both feel closer to each other. I'm glad he talks about how he is feeling too.

At the moment I crazily veer between wanting a baby this second and wanting to wait until I'm healthier, the finances are better and we are in a bigger house. I don't know what will happen in the future but I am excited to find out. I know it hasn't even been three weeks since I lost him, but I *was* pregnant and I *have* been a mum, so I can be again.